nnuhhhhhhhhh exams are the worst
I feel unmotivated for these ones because I'm just SO looking forward to the break, and also I feel like I am entirely guaranteed to get my D average at this point, even if I get 60s on these exams, SO
like pretty sure any other year i would have been legit sad about that turkey exam fuck up but i am SO OVER IT LOL
but omg agreeing to go to mockingjay midnight screening like why tf NOT
i gotta go see if i can volunteer at the migrant centre this term too but also see about next year for sure
and nano!!!! whoops it lost steam even tho i stopped caring about exams. imma fix my nano project and catch the fuck up lmfao cries 7000+ words behind
i'm slowly consolidating ideas about the world but yeah. i should at least write the entirety of the first two chapters lol
i've come to the conclusion that i really don't need to do fuck all in this degree
i went overseas and missed 2 weeks of class practically and a month mentally for writing essays. when i got back and had to dedicate time to essays i spent most of my time looking up temeraire fanart not even kidding slightly. i don't even need to do anything to do well
AND NOW THAT I'VE GOTTEN THIS COMPLACENT I'LL PROBS BE DOING A WHOLE FUCKED UP THESIS NEXT SEMESTER YAY
i mean we'll see how we go with turkey and this shitey gas exports essay but hey. so far so good.
i cant believe doctrine of labyrinths turned out to be 'gay AND brothers' this is super darksided
lmao i love that steph also had the same idea as me about housing arrangement rotation and also YAY emily is staying in canberra!!!! YAY I WILL HAVE SOMEONE TO LIVE WITH!!!!!
I SRS CAN'T BELIEVE THAT WEEK HAPPENED. IM IN SHOCK AND WITHDRAWAL AND I WOULD HAVE SPENT A MONTH, EASILY, TOURING TURKEY WITH THOSE GUYS
it was just so amazing like the personal significance it had for me was fantastic and then it was actually the most beautiful, unique country with so much fun shit and i met some goofy ass friends for tennis and some sweet people and even made friends on the plane WOW I AM SO SOCIAL NOW!!!!! AHHHHH
it was the best thing ever
huge surprise that i am not motivated for uni at ALL now even tho my jetlag honestly ain't that bad.
thank GOD mid-sem break is ALMOST here and i can just fuckin go hard on essays.
also it's p cute that greg wants to go to anu so badly like ~yes this is the place to be~ the starry eyed view of university from a hs student is so cute. it's weird that it's genuinely SO LONG AGO for me but i like where i am now, where i can chat with my lecturers. IT'S ALL I EVER WANTEEEEED
lmao srs tho why are my friends so gross when it comes to sex. ew foursomes.
also i think i am relationship-repulsed and sex-repulsed even tho i really do not want to be? it's weird. maybe when i'm finished w masters and actually feel like i have time for dating, i'll get counseling for it.
bit annoyed fiona has a job but YAY SHE'S FINALLY OUT OF THE FUCKINF HOUSE. FIN A L L Y
- Tags:be eatin diamond fangs barbarian, become become, can you geddit up, dry, i don't give a fuck bitch, i'll escape if i try hard enough, i'm deathly in my zone, if i fail i'll fall apart, illest, imma take those other bitches down, let's do it. again., lillies in the valley of my heart, no regrets, ya'ni, yeah buddy
- Music:Siouxsie Sioux - Love Crime
GOD i absolutely love my job so much. morning shifts vaccare at north ainslie = a+ and then i also love sacred heart and st michaels ahhhhhhh :')
i also feel like i'm getting legit good at it too. like. yay.
everything except them not realising i said I COULDNT WORK TODAY w/e
ah all my shows are coming back it's gr8. i love the fanfiction that is got and then orphan black will be fab. and then all the other shows lol like mildly watching daredevil is gr8. bless netflix.
anyway so i have to think. what can i do on my assignments that will make me so much less stressed. i think this is a good goal
write up to 2600 words by the end of today? yeah sure cunt let's GO
anyway yeah i'm still amazed at what my life is. doing postgrad, getting arabic tutoring, doing french, regularly going to gym classes and actually pushing myself so sweat is dripping down my face, considering taking up fencing, working solid shifts.
like that's basically a full fucking schedule and it's basically all i want to do with my life
still want to talk to alice about the possibility of asexuality but like it's not a huge concern. i mean i would hate to be asexual, the idea scares me. but so does physical/emotional intimacy
like. i feel like i'm getting closer to that 'why not fall in love? i've got shit to do' stage. if i'm going to be single it's bc i'm busy.
- Tags:boom, get it get it, go hard, i'll escape if i try hard enough, imma take those other bitches down, it's just another word for an eskimo, lillies in the valley of my heart, no regrets, none shall pass, oh i wheel, oh it's like that, that's it
- Music:SNSD - Catch Me If You Can
so i've basically decided that everything i know about the international system - everything taught in the first few years of my IR degree - is all just narratives. everything is constructed. everything i know.
like yeah in ya first few years at uni the line is 'european colonialism and american interventionism has been a root cause of the problems of the middle east' because in like, uneducated society and popular media, the idea has been 'the region is inherently violent, the region is full of infidels' blah blah. it's a good thing for 18 year olds to know, they might not have known before.
third year it's like 'well yes much of the economic problems of the middle east are from colonial actors but honestly a lot of it is the fault of leaders in the region' 'american influence in the gulf isn't the only cause of security problems'
like it's good. let's keep deconstructing EVERYTHINg
man i think it's maybe a good sign for the kirasul universe that I could write so many spin-offs?
- sigfrida's rise
- sigmund and aleit's story
- wultgar and gawin
- aunis' rise (+setsek romance)
- iraxe's story
- isabel's story
- usanna's story
ps I love TALA's music so much like it's the first time since crystal fighters where a music style has been completely perfect for me. oh god i hope she stays this way forever and releases more music i love her so much. i love every single one of her songs like how even
*uninvites everyone from my birthday and has a high tea with my family* oh how i wish
this sucks like genuinely if david and amber and emily can't make it and if others forget then i'm just going to be so devastated and probably cry a lot
wow tash and nat for my birthday just like. shitty last year's.
at least i basically have caitlyn and irene and they're my fave ppl so yay.
also i will laugh if fiona and tash just can never see each other bc of tash lolllll
glad i'll be out on thursday and emily will be back lol pls catch up on ur own
idk i feel better about this birthday shiz bc i know my friends like me and want to do shit with me like D&D
and say i'm funny and give me a dwarf paladin to play as lmfao.
oh yeah and i'm super proud of myself for talking to ppl at french :') bless myself when i get over being intimidated yo
oh yes and NORTH AINSLIE RETURN TRIUMPHANT!!! wow i was so touched that amara and stella and catherine remembered me :') omg amara was sooooo cute i could not
pls just keep me here foreverrrrrr two days a week = gr8
wow jeez i just remembered how in first year i went to the anime club to laugh w/ others over sekakoi like jesus CHRIST i've changed a lot. i am so above that now t b h
- Tags:and we're gonna make it out alive, are we human or are we dancer, double shot of coffee, drag ha, eshaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays, get crackin get get crakin, i'll escape if i try hard enough, i'm deathly in my zone, oh i wheel, oh mah gawd, stay awake little misfit
- Music:Ownglow - Gold
so in the game of canberra friendships i have won. fiona still wants to live with me, emily potentially does, fiona and nat are essentially on the same level of friendship as me and nat lol. got to hang out with damber one last time whooo. irene and i are chill, hahnsol and i are chill. squad, man.
things are p good without exam stress. been busy busy this past week BUT got shit done before leaving to america IT'S SO SOON IM SO NERVOUS AND EXCITED.
i'm so glad i made the investment in dragon age 2 this is so much funnnnn
*stares at this essay* god why.
*stares at jason's message* god why.
i'll probably go on some awk date if he still cares by october but i'd rather NOT
*looks at it again* GOD THAT PISSES ME OFF LIKE WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU. YOU DON'T KNOW ME. you're fine company at work omg i don't really think anything other of you than you're clearly outgoing bc you invited me to karaoke I THOUGHT YOU WERE FB MESSAGING ME AS TO NOT BE AWKWARD JESUS FUCK
omg im so happy i can go to graduation i'm getting all emotional!!! went back and read 2011 graduation posts awwww so emotional. i really was so fulfilled albiet nervous as hell. and also wow my face had so much less weight.
and yeaaa last undergrad exams, finishing on the 10thhhhh yo. glad i pretty quickly decided the life strategy from there with mum. one last week of work, head home, week at home, then AMERICA then come home and graduate
im kind of terrified for america now but i can make it work yo. i can plan it all down to every detail.
OMG IM GETTING ALL EMOTIONAL OVER NEW FREE help me life tonight has been too much. THE AUSSIE ACCENTS OMG.... fuck irene for not being home tonight lol
LMAO I CANT BELIEVE I WATCHED IT WITH GREG OMG THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN LMAOOOO WE WERE BOTH DYING OVER HOW GAY IT WAS AND THE AUSSIES
like i cant believe how mad sydney looked omfg and the OLYMPIC PARK!!! AND CITY RAIL!! I JUST......
this show is seriously like. going to go down in history as one of my absolute favourites i just cannot BELIEVE IT KEEPS IMPRESSING ME AND BLOWING ME AWAY
anyway if i dont get called into work tomorrow i will buckle the fuck DOWN.
lmao i love how everyone else is like YOU GOTTA RESIST KELLY!! aw i love north ainslie gang. lmao omg wtf @ josh wanted to be transferred so badly I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE COMPLAINED ABOUT... BC I LOVE IT SO MUCH HERE
honestly it goes north ainslie > st vincents > st johns vianney/kaleen >>>> mother teresa
SO ANNOYED I DIDNT PUT DOWN MORE VACATION SHIFTS BUT ALSO... HOLIDAY
- Tags:double shot of coffee, dream of californication, dry, i'd rather be by my fucking self, it's just another word for an eskimo, it's true i crave you, none shall pass, ohhhhhh!, ok., whoops uni, whoops work
- Music:Mamoru Miyano - FUTURE FISH
ok despite so much procrastination yo i feel good
i've had a nice night of socialising and even got SOME work done but also socialised with REAL PEOPLE and on twitter haha
also yooooooooooo HD on my euro essay like yoooooo i will totally submit this to the aurj!!! how ridiculous i procrastinated and dilly dallied around on this one sooo much and then i threw so much into IRT and it was like ploop bye. who even knows but
like see, i am CAPABLE. i can excel in things that i enjoy - i chose this topic and like ok i COULD do honours, i would be capable of honours for sure and even a first class honours but you know what? i just don't think i'd enjoy it. so. mnyhmssdjakjs
i cannot put into words how much i love cycling in the eastern and central loops like omfg. the autumn GLORY for the eastern loop, the city at twilight in the central loop like it's just fabulous memories with these places. like i adore it, so so much. it's almost as wonderful as john oxley reserve as an exercise place haha.
OH MAN barely any work done on the weekend but w/e this essay will be DONE so w/e
Good phone call fun last night, EU COURSE WAS THE BEST TODAY I LOVE SIMULATIONS!!!! the tute was good too. I LOVE THE EU COURSE
SUCH a good workout omg I LOVE ELLIPTICALS!!! i'm going to have suchhhhh fun at the gym. so good.
and then omg what is this....? i showed...? initiative? IN ORGANISING STUDY GROUPS hopefully that'll be helpful and fun (ew it's that one guy i dislike who is always in my tutes)
i also had huge anxiety stuff yesterday but i DEFEATED IT ALL. i solved it instead of letting it fester.
also got reference from simone yassss. going home on wednesday. meeting matthew grey at SOME POINT. idk my mood has been so good, things are looking up :')
and omg YES tiffany shall be livin' with us next semester probably YAY NOT A STRANGER
why am i planning for tomorrow actin' like this essay isn't done
omg all essays DONE omg i am just in the best mood. i feel so happy right now like I COULD BURST. i've been having good days, good moods since tuesday. really content and i just feel free. i know i'm not recovered from bulimia for sure but i feel really free from self harm. like all the worry i had last time i went home, the unwellness and insecurity in my entire being is gone?
i think when i go home i will tell mom. it will be painful but. idunno. maybe not. idunno. it's coming from a place where i'm so happy with my progress tho so hopefully she'll understand
- Tags:get back on that horse, get crackin get get crakin, i'll escape if i try hard enough, i'm deathly in my zone, imma take those other bitches down, none shall pass, oh yay oh yay ikimasshoi, oooss, social interaction, stabian baths, too far? not far enough!
why do i ever think playing around on okcupid is a good idea omg it can be an ego boost and then also i am not serious enough to want to get coffee w/ ppl who i am chatting with *ollies the fuck out*
ok i think the massive insecurities i've been feeling over the past week are mostly gone like idk what my problem is. i just gotta deal.
this history essay hmmmt. welllllll i got it in on time. i just hate the insecurity you get when you turn it in last minute like that lawd.
wow also 18+ km bike ride today holla!!! omfg that was. breathtaking and just what i needed after that counseling session. but seriously i am so in love with the eastern loop, it was sooooo country and the air felt so cool like it does at home. autumn is so gorgeous there. today was such gorgeous perfect weather too.
like yeah i do feel isolated by principle, bc something different happened to me. but i was brave, and i always have been brave, and people should be grateful if i share myself with them. i'm still fucking here.
i just feel so much more confident after that session and that ride.
tho ok. okay. hmmmmmmm @ that queer woman workshop thing :\ '20 to 60' i bet i am the only 20 year old. ugh i feel like i should go ~just to try and see but ok what do i even care about the queer community. at least self-defence is exercise. and fun.
yep ok i'm going cancel bc fuck this lol.
a+ to me for going on a jog instead of feeling all stressed and insecure. like honestly even if i still feel insecure i didn't become self destructive about it. that is a victory coming from within myself.
but like seriously everything else is turning out well. i've had good grades. i could start my masters next year. launchpad is good. i'm going to america!!! i'm going to melbourne.
ok i think i just needed a bad mood day and a cry, because tonight definitely got better. fun with flatmates definitely quells the insecurities
omg the self defence class tho... sigh canberra nothing really happens ever when i try to get involved. although definitely like delia (?) had a point, it was great having him focus on us. also i do like southside canberra a lot, all the winding roads. it is kinda intimidating but yah i like the valley feel. i like curtin. i really do like canberra.
i reckon i will rock up to a few more taekwondo that the guy invited me to like why not. maybe not this week since i'm too bogged down but for sure in the future since i can certainly feel like kicking the shit out of stuff
- Tags:ahhhhhhhh noooooooooooo beaaaaaaaaaaaaan, allahu akbar, eaux, gonna paint your wagon, i saw it, i'll escape if i try hard enough, liquor liquor lips, nazi but nice, nerd nerd, push the fuckin feelin on bitch!!!, social interaction
- Music:上海アリス幻樂団 - The Dream Palace Great Mausoleum | Powered by Last.fm
well yesterday felt good even tho no essay work was done. solid sushi+game of thrones sesh, solid tutorial, solid counseling. the simulation was SO much fun hahah. probably the most worthwhile thing i've done all year lol
today... well i've scanned loads of shit soooo. slowly getting through insurance. will probably email simone about being a reference some... time...
WELL I finally finished IR theory. amber thinks it's okay... yay....
the grad studies night WAS useful but fuck those SPIR ppl i hate national security i hATE EVERYONE IN IR!!!!
also god why do i sleep 10 hours. gawd.
idk even what i'm doing at this queer self defence thing lmaooo. wtf. it will be... interesting... like eh yeah might as well, idk what I expect to get from it at all except something to do on a thursday night... in fuckin tuggeranong omg
oh my god i actually got a distinction in applied arabic like i could almost cry. all the mental torture of the course and the people and then all the sights and the lecturers and the nizwa kids and movies nights omg it was all fucking worth it bc i got a distinction for two units of this year. two units done and i have a distinction, i could weep. I did weep. omg. lifeeeeeeeeeee
however hmmmmmm arabic conversation... with tommy and dawud... i mean worse thing would be them not talking to me OR me not understanding them or being able to string a sentence togetha. but w/e haha
I think after realising after the autumn holidays that I need to let go of the societal pressures and the pressures I put on myself, I feel overall happier. okay barring last Tuesday night where I think that was just a massive build up (it taught me to TRULY let things go) hmm yeah looking back at entries from january, I am doing REALLY well. i'm not lashing out weirdly, i'm better at CBT. even I'm seeing the core beliefs, at least recognising them.
okay excuse me what the hellllllll is up with like. masters not needing an honours???????????????????? so next year i could fucking do two years of masters coursework EASILY... or even a year and a half? MY WHOLE LIFE PLAN IS BEING QUESTIONED
holy crap the revelations of today are TOO MUCH
- Tags:and we're gonna do it all tonight, and we're gonna make it out alive, fuck yes, i hate pants, i i i wanna go go go, i keep a bad bitch around, insha'allah, it's true i crave you, muhammeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed, must not sleep, must warn others, no regrets, none shall pass, oh mah gawd, skank the night away, swagga, that's a load of shi'ite, the comet oh dammit, yissss, young and reckless
- Music:Lana Del Rey - West Coast
guess who finally got a letter from the dubai people. ME. brilliant. i can't believe it like fingers crossed i get my SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS BACK
i also cant believe how little essay work i've done the past two days althoooooo good shopping effort today. good chats. good future talk - basically i have no idea LOLLLLLllll i'm almost so deathly frightened of the future i'm beginning to just not care. it'll be sorted.
yayyyyyyy for hour long bike rides around the lake (i s2g it felt like two hours) and self-defence classes! WHO NEEDS TO WRITE ESSAYS TBH
oh yeah and when am i ever going to church.
omg smh at this essay this is soooooo terrible. this 'everything is secondary' paragraph is destroying me. also my academic writing style is DEFINITELY getting less idk. stilted. It's so much more flowery now.
oh yeah and watching game of thrones with izzy tomorrow hmmmmmm..... hopefully she remembers my name. hmmmmT will probably make a snipey comment lmao it's a good thing i enjoyed her company on the HP trivia night cuz gorl.....
lol talking about casting for s5... lmao omf it's going to be soooooooooooooooo messy, there's too many. the sand snakes gotta be cut? damphair... idk i hope they keep Val out of all the tertiaries, and Penny. I guess that rando kid will be there instead of Satin. i'm so nervous lmao
there's so many things that are so random and pointless and slow like idk alys karstark but so good and building things like... jon's entire character
- Tags:and no one ate dinner that night, boom, can i touch you, chale chaiyya chaiyya chaiyya chaiyya, double shot of coffee, eshaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays, get back on that horse, get crackin get get crakin, go away, he's coming he's coming he's coming, i keep a bad bitch around, i saw it, illest, ma programs, man alive, none shall pass, right den its on, swagga, this clown buh, we want this fire dun burn, ya'ni, yeah buddy
- Music:Bruno Coulais - L'Arrivée des araignées